I feel like I've had the pleasure of meeting some truly amazing people lately and it is starting to feel selfish that I haven't shared them with you.
As such, I will now introduce you to some of my new friends and tell you just a little bit about them so that whenever you get to meet them, you'll at least know a little about them and be able to start up awkward conversations based on what you know.
This is Dr. Slim Doggman:
I'm trying to think when it was that I even first met Dr. Doggman...I think it was when I went in for a vasectomy. Yeah that's right I believe. I went in to get a little snip snip and there I was, sitting on the table when Slim walked in. I know when you look at that picture, you immediately assume he's doing his "cute face" (or his "say cheese! face" if you will) but nope, that's as straight-faced as Dr. Doggman ever gets. But anyways, there we were having just met for the first time but both of us knowing that we were about to get to know each other intimately very quickly.
Wait...I think I'm remembering this wrong. I just remembered that I've never had a vasectomy. That wouldn't even make any sense. I think we actually met in the frozen food aisle at the Walmart Neighborhood Market over on Peoria at like 46th. You know? The one right by the big salvation army thrift store. Yeah that's right. I was opening up the freezer and was about to begin the process that is PICKING MY ICE CREAM FLAVOR. Then all of a sudden Dr. Doggman comes walking towards me looking like he's just been waiting for me to show up. It was weird. He was about 30 feet away so I definitely knew he was walking straight towards ME (not my direction, but to ME) way before we were within the distance that it becomes ok to begin conversation. He walks very slowly you see so it probably took him a good 18-23 seconds to cross that 30 feet. But once he got within 15 feet I couldn't stand the silence between us anymore so I piped up and said something to the effect of "wow, that's quite a face you have!" To which he replied with something to the effect of "yeah, I made it a long time ago and I've been making it ever since." At that moment, I knew we had some kind of awesome chemistry (ironic because his undergrad degree was in chemistry before he went to med school so he knows all about this stuff). As he got a little closer, he informed me that he is so nearsighted that he is essentially almost blind. He said he had been waiting for someone to show up in this aisle so that he/she could help him pick out a tub of Breyer's Natural Vanilla Ice Cream. He was very specific about the ice cream that he wanted.
So of course I was down to help this old old old man. So I started looking for the ice cream he had requested (and honestly, in my head I was very excited because whenever he'd said that ice cream, it pretty much sealed the deal in my head that I wanted the same thing. Cha-ching!). The unfortunate thing was that there was just no Breyer's Natural Vanilla left in the freezer. Anywhere. However, Slim seemed like he'd been waiting a very long time for someone to come help him and I couldn't stand to let him down. So I figured, "he's blind right?" So I just grabbed him a half gallon of the Breyer's Homemade Vanilla and gave him that instead. He thanked me very very much and then he was on his way.
I thought I might never see him again and that was a heartbreaking thought considering the chemistry that I'd felt right off the bat. So I followed him home.
I didn't feel completely comfortable following him into his house so once we got there, I decided to just set up camp on his front porch and wait for him to come out again so I could inform him that I wanted to be his new best friend ever. It took 4 days for me to get just completely sick of the old dude's front porch. After 4 days, I had to leave. I was starting to go crazy.
So I headed home with full intention to just take a huge nap and catch up on some much-needed sleep. I walked back to my car and fumbered (misspelled on purpose) with my keys for a moment before putting them in the lock. I guess I was just kind of hoping he might pop out of his house right at the last second. But he didn't.
I opened my car door, sat down in my seat, and reached over to the passenger seat to grab my helmet (I always drive with a helmet) and guess what my hand landed on!? Dr. Doggman's leg!!! Turns out he'd felt the chemistry too and had been waiting for me in my car for the last 4 days! He's a crazy man but since that day we've become very good friends and I really hope you guys get to meet him someday. He's a hoot for sure!
The next friend I would like to introduce to you guys is Miss Marsha Mellow:
I know what you're thinking. You're wondering is Marsha is part bird. The answer is YES!! She is actually 12% Parrot on her mother's side I guess. Which is actually really crazy because I can't really figure out how that happens and she said she really didn't want to talk about it. To which I replied "fair enough." (cause what else can you really say in that situation?)
So anyways, the next question I asked her is the same question anyone in this position might ask. I inquired as to what breed of Parrot she was descended from. Again, she was hesitant to talk about it for some reason and I could never really get a true answer from her. She only sent me this picture:
It really wasn't what I was expecting. I was thinking something more like a baby bird or maybe a "Big Bird" or something like that. So for the first few weeks that I knew her, I feel like I was just constantly trying to find things about her that were parrot-esque (i.e. repeating things I said, molting, biting the FIRE out of my armpits [that's another story]), but she never did any of it. Other than the fact that her face looks kind of like a bird, she really didn't have any other indicators that she might have been descended from poultry (I use that term loosely).
Then, one night it just clicked for me. I could finally believe her. I took a picture:
From that moment on, it all made sense.
Anyways though, I actually met Miss Mellow on a flight (ironic) from Stillwater, OK to London, UK. I had noticed her in the airport before we left because I kind of have a thing for girls who look like birds and she obviously fit that bill. So secretly, I was kind of hoping that I'd be sitting next to her on the plane.
As we filed onto the plane, I realized that this was a huge plane and the chances that we were going to be sitting next to each other were just not very good at all. BUT, as fate would have it, she ended up sitting just 5 seats down from me!! WHAT LUCK!!! So obviously I struck up a conversation and we talked the WHOLE way to London. It was great and I really don't think the 4 people between us minded at all.
Anyways, now we're back stateside and we've become quite good friends. I like to comment on how bird-like her face is and she likes to tell me all about how absolutely perfect my face is. So it really works out well. (that last sentence was actually just a joke)
But yeah I'll try to bring her around sometime! I know a couple of you that also kind of have a bird thing going so I know you guys will like her.
The last friend I would like to tell you a bit about is Mr. Spanky Lemmond:
Let me explain. Spanky is a beekeeper. He has two big passions in life and these are honey and getting stung on the face by bees. That's actually how we met...
Spanky is such a blast though! He's the most fun guy to hang out with ever. We're always just hangin out and talking about doing really fun stuff. Sometimes we look at pictures of people doing awesome stuff and it is sooo fun! We're already planning a trip sometime soon where we're actually going to go watch some people do fun stuff LIVE!! I think we're going to drive by a theme park or something and see if we can catch a quick glimpse of people riding some roller coasters or something!! Oh man, we have so much fun.
Sometimes I struggle with feeling really self-conscious about my looks when we hang out though. Because sometimes we will make a milk run or something just up to the gas station on the corner and there will be like 20 girls just hanging out outside. I guess I just had generally assumed that Spanky and I were both 6's on the looks scale and so I figured we'd each get the same amount of attention from the girls. But for some reason, ALL of them just stare at him the whole time we are there. It's like they don't even notice me. They just stare into his face/eyes and whisper things to each other...probably just about how cute he is and stuff. Anyways, sometimes it messes with my confidence and makes me wonder whether I'm maybe more like a 3 or something. But after some thought, I think I've just underestimated Spanky. I think he's maybe more like a 9 or so and I just didn't realize it. I mean I guess he does have really sexy lips. Must be the bee stings...
Anyways, Spanky is a really solid guy and he and I have gotten pretty close. He even let me stick my face in his beehive for like 2 seconds the other day so I know we're becoming pretty good friends. I only got stung 4 times but I'm hoping he'll let me put my face in for longer next time so I can get a few more stings. Sometimes I wonder if he and I might actually look fairly similar if I had a bunch of bee stings on my face...hmmmm. But yeah, you guys obviously need to meet him! Doesn't he sound like soo much fun!?!
Ok I guess that's about all I've got for now. I really want to have a party sometime where I can invite all of my old friends as well as all my new friends. I'll look into that.
Peace.
